In a Shocking Upset Cardi B Wins Iowa Caucus
Amidst Chaos and shenanigans, backstabbing and in fighting, The Democratic Party has announced that Cardi B has won the Iowa Caucus.
In a stunning upset Cardi B announced today that she will be the Democratic nominee for president in 2020, arguing that the time has come for a stripper in The White House.
In a brief video that was released on social media, Cardi B twerked, stuck out her tongue, and showed her pierced vagina as she called on her supporters to join with her to “claim our future yo.”
“Justice. Decency. Equality. Freedom. Democracy. Pussy Sweat. These aren’t just words. They’re the values we as Americans cherish. And they’re all on the line now,” Cardi B said in the video, as she took off her top. “I’m just a regular degular shmegular girl from the Bronx yo.”
Cardi B born Belcalis Marlenis Almánzar in the Bronx, NY is only 26 and therefore not old enough to actually run for President. When Cardi B was made aware of that fact, she said “yo my bad ass bitch Pelosi is working on changing that for me. She be working on changing that whack ass electrical college bs too.” When asked what her platform was, Cardi replied “I’m a Bad Ass Bitch Yo, I be dancin’ on platforms and I wear platform shows with goldfish in them yo.”
Iowa Caucus Results 2020:
- Cardi B – 33
- Bernie Sanders – 23
- Amy Klobuchar – (0.0)
- Elizabeth Warren (0.0)
- Pete Buttigieg (0.0)
- Joe Biden (-1)
- Mike Bloomberg (-2)
