Brian May’s Buttocks Ripped to Shreds By Rabid Hedgehog

Queen guitarist Brian May had an altercation with a rabid hedgehog, and ended up in hospital. Never mess with hedgehog in heat.

May originally stated that his injury was due to overenthusiastic gardening. He then realized the gardening story made him sound like an even bigger weirdo, so he came clean and confessed the true story.

Brian May vs Rabid Hedgehog

“I was gardening nude, as I usually do, when I suddenly felt excruciating pain in my buttocks. At first, I thought I sat on me rake. Then I turn around and see this hedgehog going to town on my bum. The little bugger gave me quite a rim chew. It surprisingly felt good at first, but when he hit bone, I saw stars.”

May managed to free his gluteus maximus from the hedgehog’s clutches and flee to safety. Brian returned with an ax handle and bludgeoned the little beast to death.

Brian May Vs Hedgehog — Rabid Hedgehogs & Nude Gardening do not mix!

“He had razor sharp little teeth and knife like claws” said May. “I know hedgehogs look cute, but this one was a spawn of satan. It felt like a chupacabra or Tasmanian devil was latched onto me. I guess he liked what he saw when I was bent over nude in the garden. Maybe he was a little pervert hedgehog.”

Rabies

May was taken to hospital where he was scanned, prodded, poked and sewed up. It took 57 stitches and 7 staples to close up the wound. May must also endure a series of painful rabies shots.

“Turns out the hedgehog did a thorough job on my hind quarters said May. “I won’t be able to walk for a while, or sleep or poop without a lot of assistance. Any volunteers?”