Bob Seger Auctions Off Bowel Movement

By Claudia Stavola

Bob Seger has set up an online auction to sell one of his most prized bowel movements to raise money for the Michigan Small Business Restart Program.

Seger described to Madhouse the moment he produced the bun snake, “I stood there boldly sweatin’ in the sun. Felt like a million; felt like number one…but then I realized it was number two. When it came out, it was like a rock.” He went on to say he felt it was his duty—and his doody—to raise money during these difficult times. “Listen. I’m just a normal guy who happens to be rich, famous, and surprisingly regular for a 75-year-old. Not even a week’s worth of cream of rice can stop traffic on my Hershey highway.”

Seger, a Michigan native, said this cause is close to his heart because times are tough politically and he knows he’s synonymous with America due to his mention of a Chevy in a song over forty years ago. Fans seem to agree.

We spoke with Detroit resident Dennis Lychsum-Young at the local Dunkin Donuts where he told us, “Everybody knows that true patriotism doesn’t come from how you treat your fellow man. That’s hogwash. Real ‘mericans buy inferior automobiles; are quick to anger; and gossip about their neighbors. I know Mr. Seger must feel the same way because his song is in a Chevy commercial.”

The coveted piece of poop is listed on Christie’s website as follows: “You say fart, we say art. This item is the shit! Direct from the anus of American singer-songwriter Bob Seger, comes this five-year-old petrified fecal matter. Gross (and we mean gross) weight 450 grams. Bidding on this desirable artifact starts at 1 Bitcoin.”