Billie Joe Armstrong Chews Off Own Testicles On Stage In Protest

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong chewed off his own testicles today as a form of protest. During a performance on Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Armstrong went to town on his onions as if he was at an all you can eat buffet.

Armstrong made some controversial comments during the show. “Eff Dick Clark,” said Armstrong onstage. “Also Eff Ryan Seacrest, there is nothing rocking about this show and there never was and there never will be”. Armstrong was shocked by the response of the crowd as most ignored him. Others booed and chanted go home weirdo.

Wobbly Bits

At this point Billie Joe, unhappy with the lack of attention, proceeded to undo his trousers and went to work on his wobbly bits. The crowd was horrified as he chewed and gnawed at his twigs and berries. After twenty minutes he succeeded and chewed both his marbles clean off. He then stood up and threw them in the crowd. Green Day then broke into “Basket Case” but Armstrong passed out and had to be carried off stage.

Billie Joe Armstrong Chews Off Own Testicles On Stage In Protest

Audience member Alan Peacock from the UK commented, “He was quite flexible. I was surprised he could get to his undercarriage so easily. If I could do that, I would never leave the house. It was quite disturbing though, he was snarling like a rabid wolverine. There was blood everywhere. I am really terrified of Americans. The whole lot of you are mad. Why did he even do this? I have no idea what he was going on about. My mate did catch one of the wobblers and we are going to sell it at auction.”

I Am Helping

Armstrong who has a net worth of about $75 million, was later asked if instead of whining all the time, if it would make more sense if he liquidated all his assets and donated it to worthy causes. Armstrong replied, “Let’s not get crazy now. Last year alone I donated over $100 dollars. Once I even threw a bum a quarter in the street. I am helping. I chewed them off for you and I am a vegetarian.”

Another witness Daniel Gillard stated, “Wait, what? Billy Joel chewed his own bollocks off? He is rather a chubby little fat man. How could he reach? Oh you meant Billie Joe Armstrong, the guy from Green Day. They are a bunch of wankers. A few years back, I read he got his willy bitten off by a snapping turtle in some bizarre place in Bangkok.”