Angry Mob Takes Down Megyn Kelly After Mistaking Her for a Mean Statue

By Claudia Stavola

An angry mob of gross people in Jesus sandals knocked former Fox News anchor, Megyn Kelly, to the ground after mistaking her for a “mean” statue.

The melee started around noon on Friday when Kelly was standing in front of a Vineyard Vines store in Whiteyville, Middle America where she was vacationing with her family.

A bystander heard a crowd chanting something about racist effigies before rushing Kelly. When she hit the ground, she didn’t bleed because she reportedly has no heart; but she did shatter like stone. The anonymous bystander said he started yelling, “That’s Megyn Kelly. Let her go! She’s not a statue! She’s just a twat!” Another witness named Tonya Campbell came running over wondering why people were attacking a statue of the Joker. “Hold up. You tellin’ me that ain’t the Joker from Batman with that scary, evil-ass face?” People who are familiar with Kelly know that’s just her resting-Botox-face.

Kelly is a huge fan of Vineyard Vines who outfitted her uterus into the shape of a preppy whale so she could deliver her three children—Yates, Yardley, and Thatcher—under the whitest conditions possible. She was visiting the store to take advantage of their new spa services which include a waxing that leaves a seersucker landing strip on your hoo-ha. All parties involved were easily arrested because you can’t run in Birkenstocks.