80 yo Joni Mitchell Chokes Out Would Be Mugger on L.A Street

Eighty year old singer Joni Mitchell chokes out a would-be mugger on a Los Angeles Street. Joni showed the robber that she is no flower child as she put a hurting on the man. By the time police arrived he was begging to be arrested.

Mitchell was walking to Jack in the Box to get a Grande Sausage Breakfast Burrito as she does every morning. She was approached by a man who asked to borrow a cigarette. Joni jokingly said that he could actually keep the cigarette and not borrow it. He did not need to return it. As Mitchell reached into her purse the man snatched it and attempted to flee.

Joni ran the man down and then went to work on him. The robber threw the purse in an attempt to get Joni off him. Mitchell apparently an expert in unarmed combat, used a crushing combination of boxing and MMA skills to take the dimwitted crook down. She then retrieved her bag, dropped it on the ground and continued her barrage of blows, before delivering a swift knee to the thug’s abdomen and a flurry of martial arts-style kicks to his head and upper torso.

Joni Mitchell Chokes Mugger

By the time police arrived the man was begging them to take him to jail. Joni had placed the man in a choke hold and he was drifting in and out of consciousness. She was singing her greatest hits to him as a lullaby. When he was about to pass out Mitchell would punch him in the chin. The police have arrested the thief, who has been hospitalized as a result of the assault. He is expected to be taken to a jail once he recovers from his injuries.

Mitchell told Madhouse News, “I am a gentle hippie, flower child all that, but I was hangry. You should never mess with me before I have had my morning Grande Sausage Breakfast Burrito. This jackass tried to take my purse and I wasn’t having it, so I jacked him up. The one thing people might not know about me is that I got hands. I have trained in martial arts for 50 years now. I once beat the crap out of David Crosby for being a big pain in the arse.”

Don’t Mess With Joni

Joni continued, “I went to work on the crooks ribs, then i snapped his thumbs. Hard to steal without thumbs, Am I right? Then I unleashed some blows to his head, some knees, a few kicks. Then I took him out and got him into a chokehold. In MMA terms, I used the rear naked chokehold. I don’t know why they call it that, because no one was naked. Anyway, I think this clown learned his lesson. Don’t mess with old hippie ladies.”

The would-be mugger turned ass whip victim was shocked to learn that he was beat down by singer songwriter Joni Mitchell. “My mom loves her” said the criminal. “I can’t wait to tell her that I got my a$$ beat by Joni Mitchell. That is so cool. I always remember as a kid hearing that song about cutting down trees and putting up a parking lot. Man she kicks like a mule.”